Wednesday, May 31

Getting Lost

I tell ya, all this working at not working is hard work. Time for a break.

Maus and I are off to the Islands for 12 days. Plate lunches, malasadas, and shave ice await. Neither our flight numbers nor our dates of travel include any of Hurley's numbers, so I'm fairly confident we won't end up staying at Hatch del Hanso on Dharma Bay.

I will expect to see 80° weather and Mariners in 2nd place upon my return. That clear?

By the way, congrats to Becky, whose first novel just came out. Becky's an old friend and a wickedly wry blogger (and now novelist) — and she also happens to be the one who Kevin-Baconed Maus into my life.

If I remember the chain correctly, Maus's mom's friend's daughter's ex-boyfriend's brother used to date Becky. I think that's how it goes, anyway. And somehow that translated into Maus getting a lead on a job opening on Becky's team at a local software company, where I also happened to work. I also believe Becky just landed a new job at Maus's current company. Funny how that works. What a cozy little town we have here.

Anyway, check out Becky's book. I am not in it.

Tuesday, May 30

Get the sled, Johnny

After all that waiting, after all that impatient thumb-twiddling, after watching the entire second season replayed a dozen times... now, 12 days before it finally starts up again, they tell us that “Deadwood” will be canceled after this season. Which means we'll be watching the next (the last) 12 episodes with equal parts relief and dread.

It sounds like this decision was made after they finished shooting the third season — so it's highly unlikely that they bothered to tie up any loose ends, plotwise. On the contrary, the show may very well end on a cliffhanger that will never be resolved.

Damn you! Damn. You. All. To. Hell.

That said, the trailer for the third season is very cool (the one with the main characters reciting the Beatitudes).

I swear, if HBO nixed “Deadwood” to make room for another show about Hollywood narcissists, then some sanfan-sisko-cogsugger is gonna get fed to Mr. Wu's pigs.

Friday, May 26

The table is set for my undoing

I just found out that Scarecrow changed their rental policies — all titles now rent for seven nights. In the past, my Scarecrow binges were limited by how many films I felt I could get through in three days. Now, it seems I'll be limited only by the carrying capacity of my car. They're going to need to start providing shopping carts over there.

Fortunately, with the SIFF starting tomorrow, I held back this time and only brought home a small armful of titles, including The Master Gunfighter — a Tom Laughlin (“Billy Jack”) samurai-western that I discovered courtesy of The Scarecrow Movie Guide.

I buckled in for a truly awful movie, because on IMDb Master Gunfighter received a combined user rating of 3.4, which is downright abysmal when you consider that three of the worst westerns I've ever seen — His Name Was King, Django Spara Per Primo, and Buon Funerale, Amigos! — were rated 4.5, 5.5, and 5.7.

I was surprised. Master Gunfighter is certainly a goofy, hyperstylized B-western, but it's beautifully shot (most of the action takes place on the beaches of the Pacific Coast) and not badly acted. Ron O'Neal (yes, “Superfly” himself) makes a charismatic and sympathetic villain, and a young Barbara Carrera makes a strong and stunning leading lady.

Don't get me wrong — it's a bad movie. But it's a good bad movie, with solid production values, a competent cast, and a halfway original plot. I enjoyed it more than probably two-thirds of the spaghetti westerns I've seen. (In some scenes Laughlin even outperforms Clint Eastwood's fastest moments in “The Man With No Name” trilogy.) Hell, the quality of the photography alone warrants a rating higher than 3.4.

Plus, the DVD transfer is gorgeous — clean and beautiful. Good sound, rich color. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie, and I'm baffled by its reputation. Guess I'll just have to watch it again, and see if I can find the awfulness everyone else seems to see.

And Jeff, Dandy, Ninepin: In keeping with the “vigilantes out for justice” theme, two of the other movies I picked up were Ramrod and Rolling Thunder — a double feature I couldn't resist. Thought you'd appreciate that selection of titles.

Thursday, May 25

Oh boy, here it comes

I can feel it now, it's coming for sure. Like gathering storm clouds or a massive sneeze building up...

The Big Binge cometh.

In the 2½ weeks since my jobectomy, I've been keeping myself considerably busy and productive — yardwork and housework, writing and editing, and lots of exercise for me and the dog. But I knew, I knew all along that the time would come when I would cast all that aside and go see my dealer.

Maybe it's the rain we're enjoying this week, or maybe reading the SIFF schedule got my juices flowing, or maybe my filmlust is just reaching critical mass, but I'm definitely getting the twitch now.

So don't be surprised if you see me coming out of Scarecrow Video with a crazed, sweaty visage and about 70 movies piled up in my arms. And if you pretend you don't know me, I'll understand.

Tuesday, May 23

Seattle: From zero to suck in 6 seconds

Where's my summer? I didn't mind the on-again, off-again drizzle-n-sunbreaks combo we had over the weekend, but today's oppressive, nasty misery is a hit below the belt.

It's my fault. A week ago I got cocky about our early summer and now I'm getting schooled. Or maybe it's just the city's way of keeping me indoors to get some writing done. Either way, my bad. Apologies.

At least all that rain is falling on a clean and nicely groomed lawn. I hope the snails appreciate all the work I did last week, since they'll be the only ones enjoying it this week.

Friday, May 19

SIFFiciency expert

It's SIFF season again, and even though Maus and I are going to be out of town for half the schedule, on a per-diem basis we'll actually be seeing more films this year than in any previous year: ten movies in seven days.

Despite some misfires (like a Mongolian film about two constipated sheep), we managed to choose very well last year — gems like Grizzly Man, After Midnight, and The Syrian Bride will be very tough to beat. This year we've kept our selection very focused. Five of our ten movies are documentaries, and a sixth is a mockumentary. The remaining four are quirky comedies.

No epic dramas this year, and this is also the first year we won't be seeing a horror film. That's a little disappointing, but when you only have time for a handful of showings, we know from experience that you have to go straight for the docs.

Which reminds me: I did watch Errol Morris's Vernon, Florida yesterday. Not as good as his other stuff, I thought, but still interesting. The guy at Rain City also recommended “First Person” — a short-lived series Morris directed in 2000.

In each episode he spends about 20 minutes examining someone with a peculiar story (an autistic woman who designs slaughterhouses to make the cows' experience as serene and comfortable as possible; a writer who has fallen in love with two serial killers; a parrot who witnessed a murder and is now in a “parrot protection” program). And it's all presented in Morris's signature style: straight-on close-ups of the subject intermixed with clips from old movies, cartoons, and news footage.

Loved it, and I highly recommend it to anyone looking to inject some surreal weirdness into their lives in convenient little 20-minute doses. There are ten more episodes of the show waiting for me back at the store. With a week to go until SIFF begins, that should work out just right.

Thursday, May 18

Documentathon

Errol Morris has only directed seven documentaries. That seems impossible to me. He has to be the world's most gifted and celebrated documentary filmmaker (I am discounting Ken Burns, whose 20-hour televised series are a genre unto themselves) — and somehow seven feels like too truncated a number for a director whose career spans 25 years, and whose work has profoundly altered the face of nonfiction film.

I saw A Brief History of Time before I knew who Errol Morris was, before I understood where he was coming from. Expecting something along the lines of Cosmos, I remember being somewhat disappointed that the film was more about Stephen Hawking himself than his ideas.

But that's Morris — all of his films deal with quirky, fascinating subjects, but he always trains his focus on the people, not the subject matter. What he has mastered is not so much the documentary as the character study.

Gates of Heaven is the film (Morris's first) that really turned the genre on its ear. On one level, it delivers all the weirdness and color one would expect from an up-close look at pet cemeteries, yet there's an inescapable dose of truth and reality beneath the quirkiness — angst and sadness and even anger, all of which have nothing to do with the topics of pets and cemeteries, but everything to do with the fact that Morris leaves his camera running long enough to really capture the people as people. He is very careful not let these characters come across as caricatures.

The Thin Blue Line remains one of the most effective and influential documentaries of our time, because it catalyzed actual change, eventually getting an innocent man off death row. While Michael Moore's yearly broadsides at corporate, social, and political injustice seem to accomplish little beyond galvanizing the Left and aggravating the Right, Morris's razor-sharp examination of a single injustice actually found traction and led to the righting of a serious wrong. He once referred to this powerful little film as “the first nonfiction film noir.”

Mr. Death is a fantastic film, the one that really sold me on Morris's talent. Again, it presents itself as the story of a man with a bizarre claim to fame (Fred Leuchter pioneered advances in execution technology), but it's really the sad and deeply personal story of a man undone by the allure of fame and celebrity. Somehow, Leuchter's national status as a designer of electric chairs and injection machines is perverted into an undeserved reputation as a “forensic expert” on execution, and it isn't long before revisionist historians get their hooks in him, and he's making unqualified assertions that no gas was used at Auschwitz — after which, of course, he finds himself very much ostracized and abandoned.

Morris received his only Oscar nomination (and won) for The Fog of War in 2004. This in-depth conversation with Robert McNamara plays somewhere between a memoir, a lecture, and a confession, and offers a rare look at the Vietnam War from the point-of-view of the policy makers and armchair generals. For a war so often depicted in film as total madness, it is particularly fascinating to hear a thoughtful and reflective recounting of the many little decisions, rationales, and mistakes that snowballed into biggest American fiasco of the 20th century, and to hear them from a man who was in the room, influencing those very decisions.

I just watched Fast, Cheap & Out of Control for the first time yesterday — it is Morris's fifth documentary, and quite possibly his most brilliant work. In this one he examines the careers of four men with nothing in common, except that each is a highly qualified expert is a bizarre field: a lion tamer, a robotics engineer, a topiary gardener, and an expert on the social behavior of the hairless mole-rat. It sounds very much like a goofy study on eccentricity (and the DVD box even sells the film as “a fascinating portrait of four obsessed eccentrics ... a compelling, kaleidoscopic look at the very thin line which separates madness from genius”).

But that's not really so. The four men Morris interviews are, in fact, exceptionally professional, thoughtful, balanced individuals. As people, they are not particularly colorful, but they each possess more knowledge, experience, and expertise in their peculiar fields than could ever be passed on or documented. And to a man, they are all extremely matter-of-fact about their work. It's really a study of the rewards of personal dedication and steadfast patience, of finding that one thing and devoting your life to it. In many ways, Mr. Death is a companion piece to this film, as a look at what happens when a similar kind of individual allows himself to be distracted from that one thing.

The most brilliant apsect of Fast, Cheap & Out of Control is the way Morris layers and intertwines the worlds of these four men. At one point, we may hear the engineer talking about his attempts to get his robots to work collaboratively, even socially, but the images we see are of the colony of mole-rats going about their business. Or, the lion tamer will emphasize the importance of knowing every detail of each cat's individual personality, while we see the gardener carefully trimming detail into the face of a giant topiary bear. Morris so effectively braids their stories together that it almost feels like we're looking at four alternate incarnations of the same person.

So now, Vernon, Florida is the only Errol Morris documentary I haven't seen (and it's his second-highest-rated film on IMDb). I'm going to have to correct that oversight right quick.

Wednesday, May 17

Weed freakout

I just spent most of the morning pulling weeds (trying to accomplish as much as I can before it gets too hot out there to do anything except lift margaritas). Our backyard establishment offers a fine selection for the weeding connoisseur — an extensive weed list with something for every palate. So I had plenty to work with.

This particular session was not one of those meticulous, on-your-knees, inch-by-inch, everything-must-go weedings. It was more like wandering through the yard with a shotgun and taking out the heavies. Giving all the Audrey Twos both barrels right in the yapper. Clearing all the dandelions that were on the verge of mutating into sunflowers. Demolitions work.

In two hours, I yanked three bags' worth, and it looks like I barely made a dent. That's okay — I feel like I took out the weed leadership, the capos, the Heads of the Five Families. We'll mop up the soldiers soon enough.

Here's the weird thing, though (and maybe this is totally common, but it's the first time I've ever noticed it): Afterwards, when I was cleaning up, I'd close my eyes and I'd see a weed — not imagine a weed, but actually see it. A very clear image. Specifically, I'd see that point where the leaves and stalks and stems coverge into the root... the exact point where you stab your weeding fork into the ground to pry the bugger loose.

I saw the damn thing when I was washing my face, when I was in the shower, and even now, an hour later, I close my eyes and there it is. And it's not like I was out there staring intensely at these weeds all day. I suppose that after repeating the stab!pry!kill! subroutine every time I saw one those stem clusters, several hundred times over, my brain must have bookmarked that image, and now is unable to stop serving up this photo-trigger like some kind of screensaver.

The only time I've experienced anything remotely like it would be about 15 years ago, when I was playing Tetris for days on end. I'd close my eyes and the game would keep going; I'd see shapes floating down could even turn them with my mind. Saved me a fortune in quarters.

Does this happen to everybody? It makes me shudder to think what proctologists see when they close their eyes.

Tuesday, May 16

That's no mirage

Just popped inside real quick to let my Seattle friends know, in case they happen to be stuck in a windowless office, that it is gor-geous out there today! I mean flat-out ridiculous.

Remember those 79 weeks of continuous rain last January? This is why I love Seattle — it always makes good... if you pay your dues and suck it up each winter. Year after year, this town rewards the patient and the faithful. And, as it happens on days like this, the unemployed.

Question: Is noon too early for a margarita?

Heading back out there now. Don't work too hard.

Monday, May 15

Yesterday's news today

Munich is a very good movie.

You knew that already, didn't you? Already I can hear your collective duh. Well, Maus and I are still catching up with many of last year's best movies — still haven't seen Capote, for instance — and this weekend we finally got around to what I now know was our biggest oversight of 2005.

Spielberg is a great filmmaker. Those of you not reprising your collective duh are perhaps rolling your eyes — mention of Spielberg usually elicits one of those two reactions. And it always strikes me as unfortunate that Spielberg's name usually conjures up memories of E.T. and Jurassic Park instead of Schindler's List and Empire of the Sun. His overwhelming popularity, accessibility, and success as an entertainer always seem to overshadow his tremendous talent as a storyteller and craftsman, as was the case with Alfred Hitchcock in his day.

Both Jaws and Raiders of the Lost Ark remain among the greatest entertainments ever put on film, each a now-classic distillation of the most elemental mechanics and grammar of cinema. Schindler's List, although its emotional weight upstages its technical mastery, is a close cousin to Citizen Kane on many levels. Saving Private Ryan rewrote the book on cinematic realism, and set the table for the near-perfect “Band of Brothers.” And Minority Report, released the same month as Lucas's manic, cacophonous Attack of the Clones, demonstrated just how clean and sharply layered a wholly CG universe could be.

We watched Munich already knowing that Spielberg had drawn a lot of fire from both sides — both Israelis and Palestinians feeling they were being vilified, their motivations and their causes questioned. Well, hurrah for that. But, after all that hype, I was surprised at just how even and objective the film was. I didn't detect much in the way of vilification in any quarter. The Black September terrorists, the Israeli leadership, the five members of the retaliatory hit squad, the French “family” providing them with intelligence, even the seductive assassin — all concerned were portrayed as people.

And the balance Spielberg achieves is a difficult one. How do you humanize the men behind the Munich murders without diminishing the horrifying evil of their acts? Conversely, if you faithfully depict these acts of terror and murder, how then do you keep the film from devolving into a stereotypical tale of justice and revenge?

Spielberg accomplishes this by not looking away. His camera does not blink. He shows us the private lives of the main characters (both the “heroes” and the “villains”), he lets us see the collateral damage of each killing, and he makes sure we see the gore, the grisly messiness of murder.

He also makes us witness the humiliation of the victims — when one character is murdered in his bed, Spielberg does not hide or strategically frame his nudity. We see the body fully nude and exposed, and when the man's assassin is killed later on, the killers leave her body the same way — nude and exposed. This small humiliation of the victims in death, their killers' refusal to grant them even the most basic portion of dignity, is a subtle but powerful touch Spielberg uses to sensitize an audience that over the decades has witnessed thousands upon thousands of dramatized murders.

But most importantly, Spielberg makes a point of leaving the depiction of the actual murder of the Israeli athletes for the end of the film, rather than showing it early on and letting it fade into memory. It is only after the story of the Israeli assassins has run its course that Spielberg takes us back to the focal event, the initial horror that set everything else in motion. And not only does Spielberg not look away during this key moment of violence, but he frames it against what should be the lead character's most private, intimate moments — a controversial directorial choice that emphasizes just how completely murder and death have infiltrated his world.

There were complaints that this was a disrespectful and highly inappropriate juxtaposition of images. That, I think, was exactly the point. Spielberg doesn't take these deaths and erect a memorial to the victims' sacrifice; instead, he hits us squarely in the stomach, breaking with convention to make us feel as uncomfortable and uneasy as he can, without allowing us to disconnect. He does exactly the same thing with the Normandy invasion in Saving Private Ryan — he takes violence that history has softened and bronzed, and makes it unnervingly visceral and immediate.

Not many directors could pull that off. But Spielberg, like Hitchcock, understands not only his craft, but his audience, and knows how to use one to get to the other. And 50 years from now, you should expect Spielberg to be routinely listed among the all-time masters of cinema — after his box-office success has faded into memory.

Friday, May 12

Look what Brown did for me

Yikes! That is some serious BROWN, man.

Yeah. Well. I was getting tired of the “Dark Blue Dots” template (beautiful though it was), and since this blog's six months old now, and I've got all this time on my hands, I figured I'd try and thematize things a bit.

Bourbon and film are the themes I was shooting for. Say, a whiskey bar located off the lobby of a lavish Manhattan movie theater. Mahogany, red velvet, and cigar smoke. If I could've pulled in a third theme, it would've been baseball, so let's just say Mickey Mantle is downing quarts of Jim Beam in a corner booth of this particular lounge. At the bar, Bogart is introducing Sinatra to the Boilermaker. Forbidden Planet just replaced The Searchers as the feature; High Society premieres in a couple weeks.

OK, I'm overthematizing. Anyway, brown. I'm not done messing around with the font colors; expect those to change daily. And don't be surprised if everything changes back to blue next week.

Incidentally, the new blogger-profile image is lifted from Atomic Cocktails, source of my favorite imbibable, which of course is called the Urban Bourbon:

2 oz. bourbon
½ oz. Tuaca
Shake & serve up with a lemon twist.

I'm having one. Are you?

Thursday, May 11

Dog is my copilot

I'm still adjusting to this whole “not working” thing — I spent my first two full days off tackling several ambitious home projects, and my third at a Mariners day game (a tight, crafty 16-K pitching duel between Moyer and Kazmir, with the only run of the game scored on a balk by Moyer, who presumably sawed off his offending foot immediately after the game).

Today, Day 4, I'm settling in at my brand-new writing desk (the assembly of which consumed the entirety of Day 2) and cracking my knuckles concerto-style for a day of actual writing.

One character in my life whose support of my unemployment plan has been steadily on the rise is Linus. At first, he seemed mildly perplexed by my strange new “work” hours, but now he seems completely sold on the idea. He still naps most of the day, of course, but if I disappear into the kitchen for more than 20 seconds, he ambles in half-asleep to see what's shakin'. He also knows there will be a walk in the afternoon — I don't even have to say the magic words anymore. He can tell by the way I stand up and stretch that it's time to assemble the away team.

But the best part is his fascination with my new desk — whenever I'm sitting at it. He repeatedly tries to crawl up into my lap, so he can see what it is I'm staring at so intently. And once up, he just sits patiently and watches me type. Doesn't insist on attention or even get in the way, except for occasionally blocking my view. He just wants to participate, to be in on the deal, and to help out if he can.

What I really need is a second chair next to mine — a Chewbacca seat on my right, so that my new wingman can observe in comfort and dignity, and maybe solicit an occasional scratch behind the ears. Or yawn pointedly whenever I write about something of no interest to anyone but myself.

Sort of like this.

Monday, May 8

Lethargia Anno Zero

Day one. Is it Monday? Doesn't feel like Monday. Feels like... Nonday.

But I'm off to a good start on this whole unemployment thing. Got up bright & early, drove Maus to work, got a haircut, hit the bank (meaning I did the banking; I did not rob the bank... not on the first week, anyway), did some shopping (looking for a good writing desk for home, and... ooh, look! Batman Legos! Better get some of those, too).

Back home by 10:15, much to the dog's surprise and delight; did some measuring to see if the desk I like will fit, and now — some writing, which, when you boil it all down, is the point of this whole hiatus. That and not working, of course.

(Linus has already gone back to sleep on the couch. My presence altered his routine for a whole 15 minutes there. Now I'm apparently about as interesting as furniture — or one of the cats.)

I did manage to get a jump on my long list of projects yesterday, the most pressing of which revolve around creating order out of chaos — going through all our bookshelves & cabinets & CD/DVD cases, boxing up stuff that hasn't been touched in two years and banishing it to the garage, and setting everything else in order. Basically, a thorough campaign of organization that echoes my previous career as a library page. By week's end, I'll probably be alphabetizing the dog treats.

But where to start? Every shelf in the house contains something that should be on a different shelf, which means making room on the second shelf by displacing items to a third, ad infinitum. The whole process loops back on itself like an Escher aqueduct. Somewhere in the house there has to be a first-moved object, a primo domino...

The bar.

So last night I gutted our liquor cabinet, pulling out every bottle, every shot glass, every coaster, every paper umbrella. For two people who very rarely drink rum, you would not believe how much rum is in this house. Note to self: In case of anarchy, when making the Molotovs, start with the rum.

The inventory-and-consolidation process for liquor can be interesting. Look, that last glittery half-ounce of Goldschläger is still in here. Probably been four years since the bottle was even opened. Can't pour it out, though — if I do, our very next guest will ask if I can make an Oatmeal Cookie shooter.

Two bottles of ancient ruby port have, for lack of a better word, clotted. Down the drain with those. The sloe gin has also had its day.

Then there are the moral dilemmas. I have half a bottle of Disaronno, and barely a quarter bottle of some cheapo amaretto. Combine? I think there's enough Disaronno to absorb and mask the amaretto inferiori, and nobody I know drinks amaretto straight anyway... But, am I betraying my mixological code of ethics? Nah, screw it. Remember — I need the space. One less bottle of cheap amaretto means room for one more bottle of top-shelf bourbon.

You should see my bar now. The stalwarts (whiskey, gin, vodka, tequila) are front and center — with the cavalcade of rums now pushed to the rear. Liqueurs: bottom left. Brandies, sherries, ports, sakes: bottom right. Right door: the “coffee” liqueurs (Kahlúa, Tuaca, the tainted Disaronno). Left door: the tropicals. Even the shotglasses are lined up neatly, and the various kinds of bitters have been stack-ranked.

It is a thing of beauty. Wish you could see it. I'd take a photo and post it for you, but that would be, well you know, excessive.

Wednesday, May 3

Job shmob

So I'm like 56 hours away from my first summer off since 1998, and already thinking about the next job? No, not really. But, I do still cast a jealous eye at those who (from where I sit, anyway) have dream jobs.

Here we go, in honor of the gainfully employed — 5 (or so) People With Whom I'd Trade Jobs:

The Commissioner of Baseball. I mean, anyone is better than Bud Selig, so why not me? My platform: Buck O'Neil goes into the Hall on Day 1. Jackson and Weaver are reinstated; Rose is not. The AL Designated Hitter is preserved, as is the Wild Card. Instant replay is outlawed forever, as is the use of asterisks in the record book. The latitude of power for umpires is greatly increased, as is their accountability. Ejections for unsportsmanlike conduct go through the roof. Pierzynski is automatically fined every time he speaks. And whenever Bonds homers, he must pee in a cup at third base before being allowed to proceed to home plate.

Sure, I'd have to deal with a ton of crap (greedy owners, spoiled players, angry fans, sanctimonious senators) — these days it really is a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't kind of job. But if I could wield the power of Kenesaw Mountain Landis, tempered by the principles of Happy Chandler, and buoyed by the courage of Bart Giamatti...

OK, maybe not. This might be one of those be-careful-what-you-wish-for situations, so maybe when it comes to baseball, I should go with my second choice of jobs: Safeco Field DJ. Then I could blast Bob Dylan's “Rambling, Gambling Willie” every time Bloomquist comes to the plate, the “Juicy Fruit” jingle for Sheffield, and “Money Money Money Monnn-ey!” for A-Rod. And I'd play the sound of a lightsaber firing up every time Ichiro holds his bat vertically in front of him. Oh yeah, and no more friggin' “God Bless America” during the 7th-inning stretch, for crying out loud. God created summer for a reason, and wants us to stop wasting His daylight and play ball.

The Host of Turner Classic Movies. Robert Osborne might just have the best job on television. He gets to introduce the greatest movies of all time, night after night, and always seems positively thrilled to be doing it. This is a classy gig. Ben Mankiewicz does the daytime/weekend shift, less formally than his cohort, but also with great relish. I have no ambition to replace either of these guys, but I do want to join their gang.

Garth Hudson. Plays every known instrument on the planet, plus a few that he made up on his own. Toured with Dylan during the electric conversion, and was instrumental (literally) in crafting the trademark sound of The Band in the late 60s. Though a low-key and quiet figure throughout his career, his innovative influence on rock has been exponential. Also the only member of The Band not currently dead, diseased, or despised.

Bernie Worrell. Played keyboards for Parliament and Funkadelic in the 70s. Joined the Talking Heads in the 80s. Did the jam-band festival circuit throughout the 90s. Currently collaborating with Les Claypoole, Buckethead, and Brain — virtuoso madmen all. From Herb Alpert to Deee-Lite... Bernie plays all the best gigs.

Darwyn Cooke. In addition to having a very cool name, he writes and draws some of the coolest (and most cinematic) comic books ever published. He has worked on the most-beloved titles of the genre: Batman, JLA, X-Men, Spider-Man — and he draws heavily on classic film noir for his Catwoman and Slam Bradley stories. Currently teaming up with the equally-great Jeph Loeb to write what will probably be a magnum opus within the realm of Batman lore.

Unfortunately, I have no artistic or musical talent to speak of, nor do I have much of a screen persona — so I guess that leaves only one position here for which I'm even remotely qualifed: Commissioner. Guess I'll settle for that, even if only in an armchair capacity this summer...

Monday, May 1

The final Monday

One more week before the grand abyss of unemployment. Hauling it out of bed this morning was no picnic, but seeing that light at the end of the tunnel does make the crawl to the shower a little easier.

(Yes, I do actually crawl. Especially on Monday mornings. I roll — literally — out of bed, let gravity do the work, and land on the carpet on all fours. I then crawl at least as far as the bedroom door, where the transition from carpet to hardwood usually compels me to get up off my knees.)

And I'm surprisingly busy for what I expected to be a fairly quiet week. So many lose ends to tie off — or perhaps more appropriately, to amputate and cauterize. I didn't expect there to be so much de-Borging to go through, but over seven years you accumulate a lot of probes and wiring.

I do remember that after Picard got all his implants unscrewed and plugs pulled, the first thing he did was visit the family winery and get appropriately soused...

Well, make it so.