Bwa ha ha ha ha

Halloween. Damn, I love it.

Earlier this morning, Dr. Vornoff was consumed by a giant (yet strangely lethargic) octopus. And only minutes ago, Michael Myers was skewering and parboiling nurses in Haddonfield Memorial. Even as I type this, the Blob is devouring every teenager in the local movie theater.

And before the night is over, the bedroom doors of Hill House will bulge malevolently, the ghost of Peter Quint will turn the screw on Deborah Kerr, and an aviator beagle will surely arise from Linus's sincere pumpkin patch.

And as for the costume in which I plan to greet trick-or-treaters at the door, my chief weapon is surprise. Surprise and fear...

In honor of the day, I give you my abridged Horror Film Hall Of Fame:

Scariest: For jumps, jolts, and sheer dread, there are two movies that cannot be topped: Alien and The Shining. No other film brings all the elements of horror together nearly as effectively as these masterpieces. I've seen them both a thousand times, and they still scare the hell out of me. (A subset of “Scariest” would be “Most Frightening” — movies that get you not so much with jumps, but with escalating tension. These are films that get you yelling at the screen, like Hitchcock's masterpieces Psycho and Rear Window.)

Most Terrifying: I distinguish “terrifying” from “scary” in the sense that many things can give you a scare, but only something real (or at least believable) can really terrify you. A good scare fades in time, but terror stays with you. In this category, Jaws is king. Sharks are the real deal. They actually do swim around out there and chomp stuff, including people. They can come right up from below you, and literally eat you alive. And you can't see them coming. Terrifying. Frak the ocean.

Most Horrifying: This category generally includes the films that really hit you down deep. This is the movie you either can't bring yourself to watch, or after you do, wish you hadn't. The Exorcist is mine. Although I have seen it several times, I don't think I've ever enjoyed it (and I usually fast-forward through the middle third). The performances are great, as is the filmmaking, which is why I still watch it every few years. But man, it will just ruin your day.

Most Disturbing: These babies aren't so much scary as just plain wrong. Shudder-inducers, usually with a nausea chaser: Last House on the Left, The Hills Have Eyes, etc. Of course, the movie that gets crowned Emperor-For-Life in this category is the grotesque, sweaty, oily ordeal of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.

The next three categories are, in fact, distinct from one other, but I can't really put my finger precisely on the distinction. I can't articulate it, anyway. But here they are, and hopefully you get the idea:

Creepiest: Rosemary's Baby

Eeriest: Carnival of Souls

Most Unsettling: The Blair Witch Project

And last (and also least), one can hardly talk horror without giving a nod to viscera, ooze, and splurt:

Most Nauseatingly Gory: Dead Alive

Most Beautifully Gory: Suspiria

Most Inventively Gory: The Thing

Happy Samhain. Don't read aloud any incantations from the Book of the Dead, don't say “Candyman” into the mirror, and for the love of Pete, don't go into Room 237. Stay out, you hear me? Stay out.