"All those things I can do, all those powers, and I couldn't even save him."

Glenn Ford passed away yesterday at age 90. Another of Hollywood's greatest generation lost. (Who's left? Not many. The “over 90” list is now reduced to a handful: Kirk Douglas, Richard Widmark, Olivia de Havilland, Karl Malden, Harry Morgan. The wonderful June Allyson, who died just last month, missed her 90th by only a few months.)

Our generation is most likely to remember Ford as Jonathan Kent in Superman — a great bit of casting. Even though he was only on screen for about 3 minutes, his influence on the young Clark Kent permeates the whole movie, as do his words You are here for a reason.

Film historians are going to remember Ford first and foremost for his role opposite Rita Hayworth in Gilda — a solid perfomance, although the film is so thoroughly dominated by the seductive Hayworth that the other roles might as well have been played by hat racks.

Ford was particularly good in edgy films like The Blackboard Jungle and The Big Heat — in both films he plays reasonable men whose vulnerabilities are exposed and attacked, driving him into both despair and cold brutality.

For me, the highlight of Ford's career is the underappreciated Delmore Daves/Elmore Leonard Western-drama 3:10 to Yuma. (A totally unnecessary remake of this great film is apparently scheduled for release next year. Sigh.) It's a small, claustrophobic film very much in the mold of High Noon, although Ford's “villain” Ben Wade steals the film with a twinkle in his eye and an unhurried, smug charm. It's one of those performances that makes you realize how underused Ford was in many of his other roles.

For instance, in one early scene, Wade and his men ride into the seemingly empty town of Bisbee, having just robbed the Contention stage. They stop in the town's quiet saloon, where they find Emmy (the beautiful Felicia Farr, a.k.a. Mrs. Jack Lemmon) alone behind the bar. The men line up as Emmy moves silently down the bar, filling their glasses one by one, until she reaches Wade at the end:

Wade: “Marshal around?”
Emmy: “He's in the office.”
Wade: “Well, you tell him the coach from Contention was held up. We passed it on the way in. They don't have any horses.”
[Emmy continues pouring drinks.]
Wade: “Did you hear what I said?”
Emmy: “Yeah, I heard.”
Wade: “Well, why don't you go tell him?”
Emmy: “The marshal takes his nap between one and two.”
Wade: “Oh he does? Well, that's nice. That way he don't get tired.”
Emmy: “You fellas come from the north? Down here everybody naps between one and two.”
Wade: “Everybody except you.”
Emmy: “The boss is napping now. I take my nap between two and three.”
Wade: “Well, I guess we come too early.”

And then later, when he's alone with Emmy (he should be riding out of town with his men, but after realizing he once knew Emmy in another town, he can't resist returning to the bar to see her):

Wade: “You ever sing anymore?”
Emmy: “Who's there to sing for in Bisbee?”
Wade: “You know, you look kind of skinny.”
Emmy: “I feel skinny.”
Wade: “That's all right, I don't mind a skinny girl, just so she has blue eyes to make up for it. You got blue eyes?”
Emmy: “Brown.”
Wade: “That's all right, they don't have to be blue.”

Of course, Wade dallies too long with the alluring Emmy, and the law catches up with him. But even as the marshal loads him onto the stage (to catch the titular train to prison), he smiles at Emmy in a way that lets her know she was worth it.

OK, I'm back

Ever have one of those relationships where you just can't stay mad at the other person, because he/she has an uncanny (almost infuriating) ability to say or do just the right thing, however small, at just the right time?

For me, that's how it's been with the Mariners over the last two months.

I have been to only two games at Safeco since the All-Star Break (which incidentally was the same week they dropped back below the .500 mark and into last place, never to recover). Since that break, they have done little to inspire hope or loyalty in their fan base. They gave us a disastrous road trip right out of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles — an 11-game losing streak (which was one swing of the bat away from becoming a 13-game losing streak). Even worse, they treated us to a 20-game losing streak against their own division, and then, almost as a coup de grace, they traded/drove away the most beloved veteran on the squad since Edgar.

As I said, I made it to only two games during this campaign of disaster and ruin, and both times they managed to lay on the charm thicker than Ferris Bueller. I can't stay mad at this team.

The first game was July 23 vs. the Red Sox — a 26-hit, 17-run battle royal that culminated in an 8th-inning inside-the-park home run (Safeco's first) by Adrian Beltre to break up a 7-7 tie; J.J. Putz dramatically fanning both Ortiz and Ramirez in the 9th before giving up a titanic home run by Varitek to re-tie the game; and Sexson decisively ending it moments later with a walk-off homer into the Sox bullpen. Add to all that the competitive energy and tension that all those Red Sox fans bring to Safeco, plus of course, the wildly amusing Keystone Cops defensive antics of Mr. Manny Ramirez, and you have one hell of a great show.

The second game was last night vs. the Angels — a fast, tight pitching duel between Hernandez and Escobar. King Felix was (finally) every bit the pitching god the hypesters proclaimed him to be, working fast and flummoxing the strong, free-swinging Angels lineup. He kept his fastball down, reserved his devastating breaking ball for the late innings, and summoned up triple-digit heat to overpower Guerrero and end the only real offensive threat the Angels could put together. Throwing only 95 pitches, Felix walked away with his first major league shutout, his first complete game since June 11 (and the team's first AL West victory since the same), plus the shortest game in Safeco history (1:51).

I swear this cannot be the same team I watch on FSN and read about in the Times. These guys are pulling an Eddie Haskell on me. Do I have to attend every game in person to get this kind of performance from those clowns? Because you know, I'm willing to do so, if they hold up their end of the deal.

Talk to the hand

I refuse to even say the “M” word until they win a game. If they want to make overtures of reconciliation, a shutout of the Yankees would be a good opening gesture.

In the meantime, I guess I'll just have to relish watching Moyer's return to Wrigley Field tomorrow — even if he is in the wrong uniform.

"Baby fish mouth! Baby fish mouth!"

Oh, sad day: Bruno Kirby — frequent best friend to Billy Crystal, confidant of Godfathers Corleone, Sabatini, and Galante, outrageously straight foil to Adrian Cronauer — is no more.

His greatest role has to be Harry's friend Jess in When Harry Met Sally..., the humiliated owner of that “stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale coffee table!” who poses the timeless questions “Mr. Zero knew?” and “You made a woman meow?”

And then, as Ed in City Slickers, Kirby gave us the slightly less ambiguous lines “I like your ass. Can I wear it as a hat?” and “Hey pal, I can get an erection any time I want. Watch.”

But it's quite possible that he'll be best remembered as the (literally) witless Lieutenant Steve Hauk in Good Morning, Vietnam — the straight man who gets the pointy end of lines like:

“From a Marine in Da Nang: ‘Captain Hauk sucks the sweat off of a dead man’s balls.’ I have no idea what that means, sir, but it seems very negative to me.”

and:

“Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the VP is such a VIP, shouldn’t we keep the PC on the QT, 'cause if it leaks to the VC he could end up an MIA and then we’d all be put on KP.”

That last one is my favorite, especially because after a long, dead pause, Kirby responds with: “I would like to leave the room now.”

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, Lootenant Steeeve...

Dark Knight update

Close on the heels of the news of Heath Ledger's casting as the new Joker:

(These are rumors, just rumors...)

1. Ryan Phillippe as Harvey Dent/Two-Face? Wow. It seems Batman is to have the prettiest Rogues' Gallery in recorded history. I must admit I'm somewhat disappointed that they didn't go with Liev Shreiber for this role — he has a somewhat deeper, darker countenance, more befitting the half-insane Gotham District Attorney.

But mostly, I'm just pleased to hear that Dent will be included in this sequel, as his character remains largely an unfulfilled promise in the Batman film series (Billy Dee Williams played a pre-acid Dent in Batman — a role that went nowhere; and Tommy Lee Jones played an over-the-top, Joker-esque Two-Face in Batman Forever — completely omitting the tortured duality and menacing hatred that makes Two-Face Batman's most personal foe).

2. Philip Seymour Hoffman as The Penguin? Oh, yes please. The promise of The Dark Knight gets better all the time. If I may make a suggestion: Morena Baccarin as Selina Kyle/Catwoman? Please?

The Post-Carpenter Post

Is anyone else out there watching the new Sleuth Channel? The day's programming is comprised entirely of shows like Miami Vice, The A-Team, The Equalizer, and Knight Rider. This could be the start of a something truly wonderful — imagine if they develop this theme as far as it can go: Magnum P.I., Remington Steele, The Rockford Files, Moonlighting, Hardcastle & McCormick, Jake and the Fatman, Crazy Like a Fox, Riptide, Matt Houston, Automan... there's a bottomless well of great old shows just begging to be tapped.

And the theme songs! One thing the 70s and 80s will always be able to lord over the heads of all other epochs is their mastery of television themes. They got better and better throughout the 70s, and reached their zenith sometime around 1981-82 with the likes of Mike Post's Hill Street Blues theme and, of course, “Where Everybody Knows Your Name” from Cheers.

Maus and I have been on a shameless TV theme binge for the last several months, filling our iPods with openings from everything from Mork & Mindy and Dallas to Red Dwarf and Twin Peaks. On a recent drive from Oregon to Seattle, we listened to 3 straight hours of themes — and could have kept on going all the way to Canada.

Maus's particular weakness is for sweet, hummable sit-com themes like “Without Us” from Family Ties (and also the Alex-&-Ellen ballad “At This Moment” from the same), “As Long as We Got Each Other” from Growing Pains, “Baby, If You've Ever Wondered...” from WKRP in Cincinnati, “Come and Knock on Our Door” from Three's Company, and naturally, the great “Love is All Around” from The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

She also loves those larger-than-life hits (and karaoke standards) from Fame (“I'm Gonna Live Forever”) and The Greatest American Hero (“Believe It or Not”).

Me, I'm partial to the upbeat, sway-inducing spirituals from One Day at a Time, Good Times, The Jeffersons, and even Maude... although the greatest sit-com theme of all time has to be Quincy Jones's instrumental “The Streetbeater” from Sanford and Son (the Barney Miller theme ranks a close second).

But what I really love are the BIG themes, the Friday-night Mike Post/Pete Carpenter kind of thing: Knight Rider, The Rockford Files, Magnum P.I., The A-Team, Dallas, CHiPs, The Incredible Hulk... basically, Sleuth Channel stuff.

And then, there's Simon & Simon, another Sleuth favorite that the Tivo has started serving up two or three times a day. Besides being a great show, it has possibly the most infectious, involuntary head-bob/toe-tap inducing theme of all time (more cowbell!). When I recently suggested to my brother that Sanford and Son was the greatest of all TV themes, without missing a beat he replied (in his most matter-of-fact, there-is-no-question-about-it tone): “Actually, it's Simon & Simon.”

Damn. I hate it when he's right.

Doin’ my part

Courtesy of Chris “Sgt. Greenguy” Schults and The Grist List:

Drinking beer is good for the planet.

There you have it. Between invigorating the Earth by stimulating growth in beer production, and tirelessly supporting another American institution apparently reviled by the evildoin’ enemies of freedom, I'm turning into a real red-blooded (and blue-livered) patriot.

Blessed are the cheesemakers

Wisconsin cheese-factory workers win $208,600,000

It seems the winning Powerball ticket has fallen into the hands of a platoon of curdish artisans — thereby fortifying two of my closely held beliefs:

1) To those who work tirelessly for the betterment of mankind, good shall surely come.
2) To know cheese is to spread a little divine providence on the cracker of your life.

Cheeses be praised.

Miller genuine draft

Good news from Gotham: The “Untitled Batman Begins Sequel” slated for a 2008 release is going be called The Dark Knight — a title which should make fans of Batman-á-la-Miller tingle in their extremities. (Even though the plot was considerably different, Batman Begins was in its heart and soul a remarkably faithful reworking of Miller's Batman: Year One.)

Today it was announced that Heath Ledger will play the Joker — a role jointly owned by Jack Nicholson and, yes, Cesar Romero. Romero, with his tall, thin build, toothy grin, and convulsive giggle, looked exactly like the comic-book Joker, and Nicholson is one of very few actors who can credibly combine that insane, cackling slapstick with the coldly serious menace that makes the Joker the most compelling of all comic-book villains.

Which makes Ledger, known for his quiet, inward performances, an interesting choice. But I'm hooked. I can't wait to see what he does with the role.

It's also great to see that the supporting cast that made Batman Begins so good will be returning for the sequel: Michael Caine, who gave the movie heart, Morgan Freeman, who gave it credibility, and Gary Oldman, whose Jim Gordon was so dead-on that he could have carried his own movie, sans Caped Crusader.

I don't see Katie Holmes listed. Hallelujah. Maybe that leaves room for a new D.A., maybe a young idealist named Dent?