Ape shall not kill ape

Maus and I watched King Kong three times last night. That, as Aguirre famously remarked, is a boatload of monkey. First we caught Peter Jackson's epic at Ballard's glorious Majestic Bay, then came home and watched both the 1933 Merian Cooper classic and the 1976 Dino de Laurentiis remake (courtesy of TCM, AMC, and Tivo).

Here's how I'd score the 3-way gorilla war:

Round 1: THE APES
1933: Willis O'Brien
Surprisingly convincing stop-motion animation: 9 points
Goofy mechanical head with orthodontically perfect teeth: -1 point

1976: Rick Baker
Detailed ape suit: 7 points
Still, just a guy in a suit: -1 point

2005: Andy Serkis
CGI: 10 points
Personality: 5 bonus points

Round 2: THE BLONDES
1933: Fay Wray
looks: 9   brains: 7   scream: 10
No emotional connection with ape: -1 point

1976: Jessica Lange
looks: 10   brains: 2   scream: 4
Her name is Dwan? -1 point

2005: Naomi Watts
looks: 9   brains: 9   scream: 6
Scales Empire State Building in heels: -1 point

Round 3: THE MONSTERS
1933: Various dinosaurs
Variety of familiar and believable prehistoric beasts: 9 points
Realism/scariness: 5 bonus points

1976: A large snake
Yep, that's a big snake: 3 points
That's it? A snake?! -1 point

2005: Bugs, dinosaurs, bugs, bats, bugs
CGI quality: 10 points
Inventiveness: 1 bonus point
There's too much going on, I can't see anything: -1 point
Oh, now that's just gross: -2 points

The Decision
Winner and still top banana: King Kong 1933 (47 points)
Honorable mention: King Kong 2005 (46 points)
TKO: King Kong 1976 (23 points)

For a really bad incarnation of Kong, consult the 1962 Toho King Kong–Godzilla battle entitled, er, King Kong vs. Godzilla. Great fight, lousy ape.