The unbearable rankness of peeing

Someone peed under the Christmas tree.

Normally, the assignation of guilt on these kinds of infractions is a simple matter (size, color, timing, and location of the offense allow us to deduce the perpetrator through the careful process of elimination). Not so this time. All we know is that the crime was committed behind and beneath the tree within the last 24-36 hours. Due to massive intervening stacks of presents (which we pray remain unsoiled), we are unable to determine the precise location — all we have to go on so far is the smell.

The suspects and their modi operandi:

Linus. The perfect fall guy — after all, it's a tree and he's a dog. As a puppy, he was caught peeing under the Christmas tree several times. However, he's grown into a very well-behaved citizen, scrupulously adherent to the out-of-doors bladder-relief policy. Totally incapable of keeping a straight face when he's done something bad. Spotless record for over a year.

Fabio. Fat, lazy, troublesome, defiant of authority. Also highly accident-prone. Obsessed with getting into places that are verboten. Will spend hours waiting for someone to let him in the front door rather than bother walking around the house to come in his pet door. Just the type to quietly relieve himself indoors to avoid going out into the cold and rain.

Shmool. The dark horse. Enigmatic, intelligent, relentless, and flawlessly deliberate. Very much a cat capable of symbolic acts of retribution — he once boldly pooped on a sleeping man's chest. Never got the hang of the litterbox, preferring to choose his own spots. Also a creature of habit and consistency — if it was him, then he will most assuredly strike again.

Maus has erected a temporary barricade that should at least discourage recidivism in the short run. Tonight the presents come out to be sorted for distribution, which will facilitate a more thorough investigation of the crime scene. And there's always the nuclear option of leaving the electric train plugged in — that would root out the culprit in short order, I should think.